The truth is hard sometimes…

Depression is a scary thing.

Yeah, it really is.

I can guarantee that the majority of us have struggled with depression at some point in our lives. Maybe it was for a few days. Or a week. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe months. Maybe you’re one of those people who struggle with depression on a daily basis; a constant battle between you and yourself. That’s the worst kind, isn’t it? Because then there’s no one to blame but ourselves.

I’m generally a pretty positive person. At least, I try to be. I have an awesome life, if not stressful sometimes for those obvious, everyone-deals-with-it reasons. My husband is amazing. My kid is absolutely phenomenal. We have a cute little home and an income (I mean, kind of, we’re still pinching pennies, but we’re happy.)

We get to travel.

I get to write.

I have friends. Friends I rarely see anymore, but friends nonetheless.

I have a family. Amazing, supportive, awesome family whom I adore.

But some days, man….some days life is hard. Some days all you can do is think about the bad stuff. Being broke. Being tired. Wishing for more. Wanting more. Wondering why you’re not where you want to be. Blaming yourself for not being where you want to be. Facing debt. Feeling insecure.

Some days I imagine that at 26 years old I should be graduated from school and secure in life. That was always a goal of mine, to graduate from college. I love school. Like, I adore school. But when I got into school straight out of high school I failed college. Not once, not even twice, but THREE times. It took a lot of work and dedication to get back into school. This last year or so, I was doing awesome. A’s and B’s, y’all. Every semester. I was 1.5 weeks away from taking the Kaplan Nursing Entrance Exam and I pulled out of school. I withdrew. I dropped my CNA class and ditched my exam.

Why?

I have no idea. That’s the worst part. I have no excuse, no reason for doing that. What I told people was, “I don’t know if nursing is what I want to do.”

Well, gee, Amber….good thing you just worked your ass off to get into the program then, huh?

Yeah, mistakes are rough. Now I have a $1,000 pell grant to pay back before I can go back to school and I’m furious with myself. I brought it on myself, and I hate it. And while it sounds like a stupid thing to say, I think I may have been telling the truth: I don’t want to do nursing. I want to write. I want to be at home with my little boy and I want to write books for the world to enjoy.

Dreams, guys. Keep on keeping with those dreams.

Depression is a scary thing.

But….we’ve got this.

3 thoughts on “The truth is hard sometimes…

  1. ❤ *HUGS* Been there, done similar. I swapped majors last minute and crammed everything into like no time. And frankly, if I had it to do all over again, I might even choose something else. Do what's going to hit the best spot between making you happy and making money. It's hard to find that THING that will do that. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really is. I love medicine and it’s something I would want to do, but nursing? I don’t know. No job I’ve had has made me truly happy except for writing. (I loved EMS but that was just volunteer and there are no career opportunities in my area for it.) It’s just….bleh.

      Like

  2. I can relate to you. Right after I got my bachelor degree in biology, I went back to school for Nursing. I now work as a nurse on a med-surg floor. Sometimes I find myself longing for a position with less chaos and more structure. Not sure what my next step will be, but I just want to be happy. You’re still so young and you have a lot of time to figure it out!

    Like

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